Looking | Hayden Pov

Looking.

Hayden wasn’t anxious, no, not at all. That would be ridiculous, although they were always honest, even with themselves, they were not willing to admit to that. No, not at all, they still had a reputation to uphold.

However, they couldn’t help but look around, their blue eyes trying to find someone who was definitely more interesting than the vultures around them. They ignored the meaningless conversations and flirtatious attempts of those around them, and as much as Hayden enjoyed flirting and hooking up with some people, these past few weeks they could only think about one person, and that person hadn’t arrived yet. Hayden gave fake smiles to those who tried to talk to them, and it seemed to distract them, and they smiled back and puffed out their chest as if they were proud of it, as if any of them were worthy of their attention.

They were distractions, and nothing more than that, annoying distractions that on other days, Hayden wouldn’t hesitate to please, just to have someone to distract their mind from the pressures and suffocating days, just to focus on something, even if only for a moment and only physically. Hayden wasn’t a puritan, after all, and it annoyed their father that they weren’t virgins anymore, so why not enjoy it? Irritating him has always been one of their favorite pastimes. It was petty, they knew. But their father knew exactly how suffocating he had been, how much pressure had been placed on their shoulders every day.

You hadn’t arrived yet, and Hayden tried to think of something else, but with every person that left the castle or the bushes, their eyes always went in that direction, just to have their hope crushed every time. They wondered if you would come, but it doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen anytime soon. Maybe Hayden can go to you? Their lips curved into a smile at the thought. It would be fun, especially imagining the expression on your face when Hayden appeared in front of your room, or maybe already inside…

Hayden could think of things to do, to try, but they wouldn’t dare to be too bold. As stupid as they may be, they didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, and they know that some boundaries must be kept, although Hayden wished to break them as soon as possible. There was a wall between you, albeit a small one, Hayden hopes. They want so badly to destroy it, this little barrier, and maybe this fake relationship thing that you proposed (which brings an even bigger smile to their lips, thinking that you chose Hayden for it) is the key to that. They think, many times, about how it would be to hold your hand, how your lips would feel, how it would be to taste them, how it would be if…

Wait, those are…

You were here, you… were holding Cecilia’s hand? Hayden furrowed their brow and stared at you. They can’t help it. Feeling tense at the sight. You wouldn’t… no, that would be silly. You wouldn’t regret choosing them, right? You wouldn’t change your mind and choose Cecilia instead, would you? Hayden clenched their jaw and couldn’t stop a small spark of insecurity from arising within them, okay, maybe a little more than a spark, not that they would admit it out loud. Hayden couldn’t help but think that maybe it’s not possible anymore, that maybe you don’t… They shake their head, no. But it wasn’t just that, it was… You, holding Cecilia’s hand amidst everyone there, showing everyone that factor, without fear, without hesitation. Hayden would be lying if they said they didn’t want to be in Cecilia’s place, they would be lying if they said they didn’t want you to have that courage with them. They wanted to be the ones whose hand you held, and they weren’t. But it was meant to be, you had proposed the idea of a… fake relationship, but still…

They realized moments later that it was jealousy, pure and simple. And this fact almost made them want to melt right there, and for a moment they felt ashamed. They shouldn’t feel this way, not about you, not when you weren’t officially together, you were free to do whatever you want, with whoever you want, and yet… Hayden knew exactly what they were feeling, and they weren’t afraid of it, but maybe you are, and a part of them would love to tell you the truth right in your face and try to make you confront it instead of avoiding it, but it’s too early. And they knew that you needed time.

They felt their lips, which were previously closed in a thin line, curve into an involuntary smile. Of course, of course they feel jealous. They wouldn’t be afraid to show it, but they fear that maybe their methods of calming this feeling within them would be too much for you. Hayden thought of a few things, they thought of going to you, of placing a hand around your waist, of touching your face, your cheek, your lips… right in front of everyone, just to make it clear that you were with them, to make it clear that they…

Your eyes met theirs, and Hayden held their breath.

Too soon. Too early.

They stare at you from the other side, and you don’t look away, remaining unchanged, staring at them as if it were a challenge, but there was a touch of confusion there, a small touch, and then you avert your gaze.

They could wait, Hayden thinks, the heart that raced within them was impatient, but their mind wasn’t.

You would leave tomorrow, and Hayden wanted to go as well, with you, to at least ensure that you would be okay, no matter how silly it was to think that way, after all, you knew how to fight and take care of yourself, but a part of them still wanted to protect you from getting hurt and to make sure you would return safely, but they knew their father wouldn’t allow it, and undoubtedly there would be guards following Hayden for the entire time you were away, even if their father didn’t know about the little arrangement between the two of you, he knew that they might try to anger him and go on the mission without authorization.

He wasn’t wrong.

Hayden tried to distract themselves with the trivial conversations the others around them were having, and they didn’t dare to look at you for a while, until they felt the eyes on them. Normally, Hayden knew that there would always be eyes on them, after all, they were attractive in many ways, but this gaze was different, and they recognized you the moment you stepped towards them. Hayden feels themselves getting a bit tense, and dismisses the onlookers, waiting until you reach them, and they can’t help but say… “You know, when we agreed to have this thing between us, it was supposed to be as a couple, and not you holding hands with someone else.” Not them, that’s what they really wanted to say. They changed their minds, they don’t like feeling jealous, but since when do they hold back from speaking their mind?

Okay, maybe for you, they will. And a tiny bit for their own pride.

Oh, they were so confused.